Unlearning, In the fire, Dying

God is alive and His power is Real

I am realizing that the reason why I was solemn and down for weeks when I was Face to Face with Depression is because all the things that I learned and experienced before is not working right now. You see I grew up in a Christian home. My parents raised me in a Pentecostal environment. Healing and miracles were a part of my daily life.

  • We just repent and receive healing when we’re sick and we wake up all healed.
  • We pray for new clothes every school recognition day and God always provide.
  • We would pray for provision for any type of need and He always there without fail.

I lived a compromised (in short sinful) life during my high school and college days but when I finally surrendered my whole life to God when I was 23 years old, there was no turning back. I pursued healing and I have seen almost all types of healing and miracles under the sun. May it be through me or through other His Mission family members.

  • I led at least 4 missions trips with massive signs and wonders.
  • Blinds see.
  • Deaf hear.
  • Dead were raised.
  • Demons were cast out.
  • Dark clouds would obey and go so we can continue with our crusade.
  • The sick were healed.
  • The lost were found.
  • The prodigals came back.
  • Provision came.
  • There was even a season when we would literally chase the demon-possessed so they can be freed in Jesus name.

For the past 35 years of life, I seen and can prove that the Bible is alive and nothing is impossible through the Blood of the Lamb. I have personally witness His reality. I studied and stay in Germany for 7 months without spending any from my own pocket. I personally heard His audible voice. He gave us twins even if we don’t have any genetic history. Every season of my life, He has proven His power.

Until my Husband got sick…

Where are You Lord?

I thought I had it all figured out.

That I just need to pray and fast. That I just need to confess. That I just need to believe. That I just need to declare. I just need to speak forth His word. I just need to be grateful and testify…

These are all proven methods. Even the Generals do this. I have studied their lives. I have watched their videos, listened to their podcasts and wrote all healing and miracle scripture verses.

But nothing happened…

Yes we would have breakthrough here and there but the main issue is still there. One day, it’s all good then all of a sudden, it’ll crash. We have been in this for 4 months now. We are so desperate of His move, but it seems like He’s far.

He did not completely left us because His provision through other people is there. But how about the healing we’ve seen before? Where is the miracle that we daringly need? We have seen it all before, where it is now?

There are even times when we feel like we’re in our little tribulation moments. That His grace is lifted. That we feel alone. That we feel like He’s not there despite our frantic cries. That we are left with our choice to still believe despite the lost of emotions and what’s tangible.

I guess real faith is not really based on anything in your experience, learning nor feelings but solely holding on to His words believing that He is always good no matter what.

Life through Death

A seed needs to completely die before it can live a new. I am understanding that God is taking us deeper. He is revealing Himself a new. We may have been blind-folded with the past experiences that we put Him in a box. He needs to break the old wineskin so He can pour out new oil.

I have no doubt that my husband will live. Untimely death is just against His nature and heart. We still believe in healing and miracle. We still believe in this God that we serve. We still believe in Jesus!

But the how and when is something we don’t have any idea. God is taking us in this new wave of obedience, That we believe no matter what the situation is.

Because He is never an “I was” or an “I will”. He is the “I am” (present tense). Everyday is an adventure where He leads and we obey in love.

Excited what this adventure unfold…

The Dark Nights of the Soul

When Healing is “Not There”

For the past 2 weeks our family has been through tremendous storm. The twins and I got sick. Jay was rear-ended. We were challenged financially, physically and spiritually.

It was a hard battle. For “faith people” like Jay and I, it was easy to hold on the first week. We were constantly praying for healing and breakthrough.  We had faith. We press through. Despite no one knowing about our fight, we looked to Jesus and held our breath.

But breakthrough did not come. And it was VERY challenging. In the past we have seen Jesus heal, cast out demons, change lives, provide and come down in power. So to pray and not see a tip of any miracle was exhausting.

Then it got worse…

On week 2, Tice did not just have fever but his nose also started bleeding. Sovi got ear infection needed to be attended by a physician. My strength wasn’t restored. We had extended expenses with the car window broken and some taxes for Jay’s new music gears from the US.

So we trusted and just held our breath even longer… It was irritating. It was uncomfortable. It was difficult. But in the midst of all that, we held on to that truth inside. He is faithful. He is Love.

Because when times come like God is absent, it doesn’t define who He is. I can remember S.J. Hill in his book “Enjoying God” describing this season as the “Dark Nights of the Soul”. These are the times when God stays distant because He desires that we pursue Him on our own. That we long for Him even if the boost of faith and fireworks of miracles are not there.

Thus when healing seems to be “not there” and other challenges in life slams you down,  rejoice! Because there are the times when you are given the chance to love on Him on your own. This is your opportunity to prove to Him that He is worth it, that He is your all in all… that you love Him not when things are good and steady, but even in the midst of pressures. This is what real love is all about.

Strength Renewed

Trials are also the times for growth. When we embrace pain, our faith muscle grow. Our strength is renewed to take new flights and new heights.

Bottom line of the matter is: our ups and downs in life don’t define God. It defines what’s in our heart. And our responses will always promote us when we choose humility and trust.